Vaginismus may sound like the name of a new sexually transmitted infection, but it's actually a condition where - to put it bluntly - your vagina is so tightly clenched that attempting to insert anything into it is painful or even impossible. Sounds pretty serious, right? It doesn’t just affect sex, it also affects masturbation, using tampons and moon cups, and medical examinations and procedures. And damn, it also kills all your self-esteem in every sexual encounter!
Yup, you’ve probably guessed by now that I have vaginismus. A couple of months into my relationship with my boyfriend, we finally decided we were ready to go all the way. However, try as we might, we just couldn’t make it happen. I felt like a failure, and I was terrified that he would leave me for a girl who was better in bed. He was always so lovely about it, but these feelings took a toll on the physical aspects of our relationship. So late last year, I finally went to see a doctor! She asked me a few questions, performed a very painful physical examination, and declared that yes, I had vaginismus.
What has happened since then? Well - to put it bluntly again - fuck all. Yes, I went to sensitive claims counselling, but my counsellor decided she couldn’t help me and referred me to someone else. My ACC caseworker has been ghosting all my emails. And Gynaecology NZ does not offer vaginismus treatment due to a lack of funding. In over six months, I have made no progress. Yay.
As you can clearly tell, having vaginismus is difficult. But I am determined to not let it control my life. I regularly have conversations with my boyfriend about vaginismus to keep him informed. In terms of the bedroom, we’ve figured out a few things we can do to keep us both satisfied. I am still actively seeking to find some sort of treatment. But I think the most important thing I can do is be vocal about it. The more people know about it and talk about it, the more young people with this condition can seek help and support. The worst part about this condition is thinking that you’re alone, you’re a freak, you’re useless. You are not.
And hopefully, if enough people join the conversation, and if all our combined voices are loud enough, maybe the government will listen and make it easier to get treatment. Maybe my caseworker will finally reply to my emails…
Kyla Forbes-Kean